[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
6: are snakes just neck?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
welp
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.