spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?