Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”