Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
You Might Also Like
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.