Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…