@doktorj: ER: Ma'am, are you allergic to any medications? Me: I'm not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

@bridger_w: When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, "Sounds like somebody needed a friend"

@KalvinMacleod: Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out. Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

@Shira: Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...

@OhNoSheTwitnt: Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.