I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Do one person every day that scares you.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations