@JJSummertime: My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

@NYC_Blonde: I want what any normal girl wants in life... A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

@Cheeseboy22: I know you're not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

@Douchekevin: Sometimes I like to send out texts to random numbers saying "My period is late".

@BrassBallsCJ: All these girls tweeting about going braless & I'm just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.