You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.