@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: What did you just do? CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

@Home_Halfway: I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes "on the rocks." They don't know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in

@TeaAndCopy: ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@Tmoney68: [Army Shooting Range] Officer: Are you locked & loaded? Soldiers: YES SIR! Officer: You may fire at will! Soldier Named Will: WTF?

@rockymomax: DRUG DEALER: whatya want? ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want? DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that