@TeeJayRush: Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I'll immediately be alerted...

@gruffybeard: Her: I need a living will. Me: *wiping blood off knife* I've got a dead Steve. Close enough?

@Reverend_Scott: [class trip] I'm farmer Joe, this is my farm DO U HAVE COWS? Yes, it's a dairy farm DO U HAVE WHALES? Kid, why wouldn't we have whales?

@JH_Moncrieff: "I don't understand...we're a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?" Yes. Yes, you do.

@bluetractor: I hate it when people call me judgemental Especially people wearing shoes like that