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@zoebread: brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
@SondraDeeMe: ME: What's this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can't tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn't take your dog to a farm
@MrJeremyHorn: So apparently I've been Googling 'Asian Prom' this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren't going to bang.
@Darlainky: There's no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
@williamwanton: I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
@Jen_says_nah: *puts message in a bottle
*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in
*gets tazed and arrested for littering