@psybermonkey: [Getting chased by cops after heist] Me: Damn, I can't shake 'em. It's like they're one step ahead of us. Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

@dumbbeezie: An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

@seamusmckracken: I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@hasht4g: Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.

@envydatropic: Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy