brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN