brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.