@ilovepie84: Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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@Ygrene: [On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"
@carlyken: Friend apologizes for mess. Friend has immaculate house. Open her closet. Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
@IslandsJunk: Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.
@smilely_gal: If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.