@ilovepie84: Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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@JermHimselfish: I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.
@KyleMcDowell86: DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
@Book_Krazy: Boss: Where were you on Friday? Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...