@ilovepie84: Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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@AmericanGent69: *security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
@pleatedjeans: cop: why'd you kill him? me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers cop: ugh hate that you're free to go
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Name one of your strengths" I didn't stab anyone today "That's not-" Yesterday wasn't so good tho
@vexroid: Found $0.83 under my pillow. It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I'm a little worried about what I was paid for.