@ilovepie84: Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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@markleggett: Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Read this tweet. Wife: Sure. Me: Is it racist? Wife: No. Me: Sexist? Wife: No. Me: Is it offensive at all? Wife: No. Me: *deletes tweet*
@DepecheALAmode: I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays.
@Queen_Sassy_AF: *first date* Him: Favorite animal? Her: Panaver Him: Huh? Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.