Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Britain be like
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I thought this was funny lol
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit