Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Go hard or stay average
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”