@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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@murrman5: where did you get them pants? [wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you're not going as me for halloween again are you?
@highwaytohelv: why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
@Thee1_4U: My daughter just said that I'm the best dad she's ever had. So I got that going for me.