@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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@sammyrhodes: My wife: "Can you pass me the stud finder?" Me: "You're the stud finder!" *deep, awkward silence* Me: "Here it is."
@omerwahaj: I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS