Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Name another movie that mislead you?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Can Happiness buy money?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.