@david8hughes: "Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?"

@mackswift: Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@autocorrects: Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there's nothing left?

@CYComedy: Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife's Facebook account?

@IamEveryDayPpl: Sometimes I pretend I'm picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.