Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
All set.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.