The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
2022 be like
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.