Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The Compass
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.