Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can鈥檛 I鈥檝e got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here鈥檚 that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I鈥檇 come through
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
it鈥檚 so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don鈥檛 want you to be crazy
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀