Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong