Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.