Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“Sheer Arrogance”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”