6: are snakes just neck?
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.