Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
These aliens are taking forever.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
S M O L
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?