BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You Might Also Like
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
What a chick magnet..
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital