Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Erm I’m gonna say no
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris