Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed