Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
😅😅😅
checking out some reviews of my local library
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends