Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
The pasta is now
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….