Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”