Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Found the job I’m suited for
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes