The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman