My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
☺️
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Sing it!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
How do dragons blow out candles?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord