Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
hmm conte-me mais
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend