Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
absolute chaos
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Are you ok, human???
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.