BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
live long and prosper!
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.