BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Just parrot things
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier