Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.