Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
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Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.