[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
they split up moments later
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.