*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Bike for sale
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
(2022)
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
oh shit
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My love language is deader than Latin
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.