Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
You Might Also Like
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My time has come.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*