Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
ibopfufen
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*