Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
#FunnyLife Insects
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.