BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Thank you corporation very cool
Cha-ching is my safe word
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.