Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.