giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
The glockness monster
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Mad Max: Furry Road
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.