Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.