BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.