Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life