Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.