moms in horror movies
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
my proudest tweet
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out